Didn't feel anything at the nostalgia today....did not have time for it...went, ate and came...that was it...I don't know what the repercussions are all about..I suddenly played the songs of Yaadein...remember them clearly as those were the ones I used to hear during ragging...missed home..I had a a walkman...probably Abhijeet's- my next door neighbor at that time......he is currently in Delhi, probably having forgotten all about me and gearing up hard for his IAS thingy...Well, Best of Luck to him..
I have seen a lot in these five years here..probably like everyone else..a little more maybe..but I never wished or rather saw myself bidding farewell to this place so easily...I was hurt when people left last time...but didn't feel it before everything happened...but then, most of them were not the people I care the most about..
This time the 'thesis' has made the idea of being nostalgic more unapproachable for me. I don't have time, or to put it truly, the energy to think of that. And I know the time to come is not easy. Just want everything to be ok once I move out from here...and want most of us to stay connected. And also wish for the unspoken difficulties to not happen..Let live in peace.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
I have never been good at accepting challenges and living up to them. But the time must come...now. For when else is the life going to offer a more pleasing practice ground to prepare yourself for the real challenges.
Being a Jack of All and the Master of None lands me up in the pits of inferiority complexes more than once but rarely do I get out as a winner. Writing just helps me vent out the momentary frustrations but I have no idea if it will also help me overlook the "Loser" tag that i have learnt to associate myself with.
Friday, March 03, 2006
I miss a lot. With all the innocence, all the selflessness, all the simplicity gone out of life....I feel incomplete. The school life, which I would hence use to refer to a part of life that is particularly being missed the most and is seen as containing the aforementioned properties, is long gone and cannot be recalled. No vivid pictures though but faint beautiful memories that touch deep down.
The trickling of tears, when the friends you liked the most, hurt you. The blushing at the sight of a "School Heart-throb ", every single boy/girl feeling that the "Heart-throb" just looked at him/her. Making fun of the teachers, in their absence by mimicking their most annoying habit or in their presence, by imitating their gestures while maintaining a status quo in getting the punishment of standing near the blackboard daily.
Why don't people remember everything that was good...That was the life when you did not learn to be shrewd, when you could not even spell the word "treacherous". I miss being with friends that were a party in all those things labeled "indisciplined", I miss being the "intelligent" boy of the class and still being able to carry out all that is not expected from such a guy.
Its a different world now. Complicated, Complex and Cruel. I am changed and am part of the wicked mentality with more like me. I miss not being able to follow a routine where completing the homework was the only irritating thing and the reasons to cheer up were as simple as a TV show which I liked. But then the feelings crept in.
I am a bad person today. I miss not being able to weep at reasons where I should have if I were- myself 5 years back. I still do...Sometimes...And tears have suddenly started trickling down today at the remembrance of the things that will never be back. Change it must and Changed have they. But I still want a bigger memory space so that changes are accommodated not at the expense of things you liked...Ever.
For these are the moments when I understand the true meaning of Love...Its too different from the picture we perceive of it. Sinner am I like no one else. I have my own big account of sins which are seemingly unmanageable by the Higher authority too. But still, something tells me in these moments that Love converges into Him....And I have felt it sometimes.
God, you have been kind to me for everything in spite of me being a person not supposed to be in your good books. I pray to turn my soul in to that which it was years back. I pray for the happiness that came with the times when I finished my homework in school, when I knew I had all time in the home to watch TV and go out in the evening with my friends. I pray for me...Selfishly...Because as yet I am still the one who has forgotten the Innocence, the selflessness, the love, the truth.