"Yet Again" - The unending recursion

एक डायरी के अधूरे पन्ने - 3

2011-02-10T02:18:00.002+05:30

यूँ बिन बताये चले ना जाया करो,
तुम्हारी आस में वक़्त का पता नहीं रहता..
तुमने कहा था इस बार आओगे तो कुछ surprise दोगे..
अब तो कैलेंडर भी ख़त्म हो गया.

एक डायरी के अधूरे पन्ने - 2

2010-11-09T02:24:00.000+05:30

उस डायरी के कुछ पन्ने अभी भी खाली हैं..

कल यूँ ही कुछ पुरानी यादों की किवाड़ से ठोकर लग के गिर पड़ा था..

वहीँ कहीं फर्श पे ये डायरी मिली..

खोलते ही कुछ सर्द हवा में हंसी ठिठोली सुनाई दी..

पड़ोस में खेलते बच्चे होंगे..

हाँ वही होंगे...क्यूंकि पन्ने बोलते कहाँ हैं..

कुछ चेहरे से लिखे थे उस डायरी में..

नाम नहीं है..बस चेहरे हैं..

पहले से बदले हुए नज़र आते हैं..

शायद पीले पन्ने होंगे..

हाँ वही होंगे..क्यूंकि चेहरे बदलते कहाँ हैं..

इन खाली पन्नों में से भी कुछ इंक के दाग नज़र आते हैं

ऐसा लगता है की इनपे भी कुछ लिखावट थी..

पर वक़्त की कुछ बारिशों ने शायद स्याही का रंग उड़ा दिया

शायद खाली पन्ने ही होंगे..

हाँ वही होंगे..क्यूंकि लिखे पन्नों का रंग उड़ता कहाँ है..

उस डायरी के कुछ पन्ने अभी भी खाली हैं..

Lie with me..

2009-09-18T14:43:00.002+05:30

They were tired of spending time in that mall. It was a Sunday afternoon and a social norm was that couples of their age went out together and shopping. They had been following this for long and were now pretty bored of it. "I want to go and check out the new collection of jewellery in that store", said she. He didn't seem too interested but did not let that appear on his otherwise stagnated face . Maybe these are the virtues of a good husband that he had learnt from 17 years of his marriage. "Lets go..maybe they have that designer ring that you were looking for!". She didn't seem too pleased with the comment. She knew it was a taunt coming from him as the last time she had gone looking for that perfect design that she wanted but none of them would fit her finger. Maybe the cold was making her fingers a bit fatter, she thought. In any case she still wanted to try if she could that ring for herself and decided to go ahead inspite of his taunts.

He had decided to look for some good trousers instead of being with her while she shopped and told her so. She didn't mind it. Maybe she wanted that peace too. Back then it was an arranged marriage and soon after they had developed a comfortable and extremely loving relationship. So many years and now with their daughter having moved out of their place, it sure had become lonelier.

She had been trying all those rings at the jewellery counter of the store but seemingly again none of them fit her. She felt depressed. An urge to go back home sprang up in her and she looked around for him. Not having found him she went back to the trousers section to wait for him there. He came out of the trial room with a disgruntled look on his face. The trousers wouldn't fit him again. It was no use shouting at the salesman as he had done last time. They looked at each other. She had grown wrinkles and his paunch begged to tell his age.

She went close and they both hugged each other tightly.

He liked the smell of her hair. She knew that his arms always fit her perfectly.

Of Ghalib and of wishes..

2009-08-22T05:32:00.003+05:30

ना था कुछ तो खुदा था, कुछ ना होता तो खुदा होता, डुबोया मुझको होने ने, ना होता मैं तो क्या होता.
हुई मुददत के ग़लिब मर गया, पर याद आता है, वो हर एक बात पे कहना के "यूँ होता तो क्या होता"..

जिंदा हूँ..

2009-07-24T01:15:00.001+05:30

कोई नहीं, कोई भी नहीं जो बतलाये,
कितनी देर उजालों की राह देखें
कोई नहीं, है कोई भी नहीं
ना पास ना दूर..
एक यार है दिल की धड़कन
अपनी चाहत का जो ऐलान किये जाती है
ज़िन्दगी है जो जिए जाती है
खून के घूँट पिए जाती है
ख्वाब काँटों से सिये जाती है..

जागती रातें..

2009-07-14T04:09:00.003+05:30

जी ढूंढ़ता है घर कोई दोनों जहां से दूर,
ना आपकी ज़मीन, ना मेरे आसमां का नूर..

ना जाने क्यूँ..

2009-07-04T17:40:00.006+05:30

कुछ दर्द सा था सीने में, कुछ थी इन आखों को तलाश,
कुछ तेरे आने से पहले, कुछ तेरे जाने के बाद..

What Dreams May Come..

2009-07-01T22:14:00.004+05:30

I took off all the posters on my wall mercilessly...some of those sticky notes as well on which were written the randomest of things ever thought of. I don't know why I was in such a hurry. I shoved my stuff in some suitcase..ended up with a couple of handbags as well. I walked out of my room only to find absolutley no one around. I waited but for some reason, the whole campus is deserted. Zilch. I pulled along with my stuff trying to spot a face, familiar or otherwise -anyone..but cannot. I reached the end of hostel corridors and the last I remember is turning back to still expect someone, anyone. I wake up.

And this was not it..I have been having the weirdest of dreams for the past few days. Not so normal for someone who is used to a dreamless sleep for a majority of his life. Definitely the occasional good and the occasional bad ones are there but never with such frequency and never with such consistency in their outcome. To think of this as an aberration is something I have been forcing myself to do but how do I convince myself ? I was once told that you cannot dream of your own death in your sleep and thats because your brain interprets is as the "death" event and stops functioning. Seemingly, the brain has no issues in coming close to that event or atleast thats what it made me feel. Is it all an outcome of change? Blunt as it is, I have forced myself to change beyond my wishes. It does make me look back at a different me often asking questions to which I have no answers.

Why but then the other day I dreamed of a future life where I tried calling up people to meet...to see them once but they did not agree. It all came back to me...the convenience of being around people and a chatter here and there only because it was in the moment, it happened. And as soon as that convenient relationship ceased to exist, I seemingly vanished in thin air. And what about the one where I just dreamt of being in a pit and shouting for help. I think I saw faces, known faces and I begged, I pleaded to get me out but they did not. Maybe they did not hear me or maybe thats what I chose to believe... All I know is if I were to do a Freudian interpretation of my dreams, its not at all pleasant.

How vulnerable can you be to have these desperately obvious dreams? What separates the courageous attitude from a stuck-in-reverse life? I have reached a phase in the life for the third time when I am as nostalgic about God knows where and what as I ever could be.

The last one, I dreamt of a walk. A long walk and I am talking, baring all that I know, all that I wish and all that I want. It seemed I had never been so frank...not even to myself as I was being then. I saw the Water tank from this campus...I saw a familiar coffee place. And then I turned to see who was I talking to.

There was no one. I had a bleeding arm and a lit cigarette.

एक डायरी के अधूरे पन्ने - 2

2009-06-25T05:24:00.002+05:30

सहमा सहमा डरा सा रहता है,
जाने क्यूँ जी भरा सा रहता है..
एक पल देख लूँ तो उठता हूँ,
जल गया सब,
ज़रा सा रहता है..

..एक डायरी के अधूरे पन्ने.

2009-06-18T10:42:00.010+05:30

कभी किसी को मुकम्मल जहां नहीं मिलता,
कहीं ज़मीन तो कहीं आसमां नहीं मिलता..

जिसे भी देखिये वो अपने आप में गुम है,
जुबां मिली है मगर हम जुबां नहीं मिलता..

तेरे जहां में ऐसा नहीं की प्यार न हो,
जहां उम्मीद हो इसकी, वहाँ नहीं मिलता..

Worth.Less.

2009-06-13T14:19:00.004+05:30

A story well written across the margins of an over-read tattered book called life. The plunders of a job, you thought, well done. The moments you pawned in the hopes of leading a worldly pursuit. And the faceless voices that mock the riches you thought were yours. Was it worth it after all?

It’s not easy to be me..

2009-05-27T11:50:00.003+05:30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYoedRejHJ8&feature=related

I can’t stand to fly,
I’m not that naive..
I’m just out to find
The better part of me..

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'bout a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
Well it’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
inside of me ...... inside of me ...

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
I’m only a man looking for a dream

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
It’s not easy ...

It’s not easy to be me...

एक कहानी..

2009-05-20T11:13:00.005+05:30

बात शायद उन दिनों की है जब मैं class 5th या 6th में था। पता नहीं क्यूँ लेकिन हमेशा मुझे सड़क के किनारे दिखाए जानऐ वाले जादू टोने या फिर किसी सपेरे के साँप का खेल या ऐसे ही बाकी बचकाने दिखने वाले खेल तमाशों का शौक रहा था। हाँ, बन्दर का खेल देखना मैंने तब बंद कर दिया था जब ऐसे ही एक बार एक मदारी का तमाशा देखते देखते बन्दर ने मुझपे झपट कर मेरे हाथ पे एक अपने प्रेम भाव की निशानी छोड़ दी थी। शायद आपके भी हाथ पे टाँके लगेंगे तो सारा पशु पक्षी प्रेम वहीँ धरा का धरा रह जाएगा। खैर, ऐसी चीज़ों की तरफ़ मेरा बढ़ता ध्यान देख के घर वालों ने मुझे काफी पहले से ही समझाना शुरू कर दिया था की ये सब तमाशे जादू वगैरह सब हाथ की सफाई होती है और शायद घर में सबका थोड़ा religious bent of mind होने की वजह से भी शायद मुझे यही सिखाया गया था की किसी भी चमत्कार पे भरोसा करने से पहले उसकी सच्चाई को जानने की कोशिश करो। एक १०-११ साल के लड़के को इतनी बातें समझ में आती होती तो शायद आधे नोबल पुरस्कार अंडर-२० मिला करते...सो भूमिका बांधते बांधते मैंने शायद आपको ये समझा दिया की मुझे ये सब बहुत पसंद था!

जहाँ तक मुझे याद पड़ता है, स्कूल से ही लौट रहा था। सड़क के किनारे भीड़ देखी तो मन मचल उठा। पास जाने पे पता चला की कोई बाप बेटे की टोली है और कुछ तो खेल तमाशे दिखा के लोगों से पैसे बटोरना चाह रहे हैं। शायद हमेशा से यही सीखा था की ये जादू, ये चमत्कार कुछ नहीं होता और जो लोग दिखाते हैं वो बस लोगों को उल्लू बनाना चाह रहे होते हैं, सो इसी वजह से ऐसे किसी भी खेल को मैंने उतनी ही skepticism से देखा है जितनी एक मेरी उम्र के बच्चे के बस में था। मुझे छोटा होने का एक फायेदा ज़रूर मिला की मैं किसी तरह इधर उधर से निकल के, सबसे आगे पहुँच गया। तब शायद वो एक खली गिलास में दूध भर जाने वाला जादू दिखा रहे थे। मैंने ये कई बार देखा था और शायद मेरे आस पास खड़े लोगों ने भी। तभी तो कोई सिक्के फेंके जाने की आवाजें भी नहीं आई। दरअसल ऐसे खेल दिखने में जो गिलास या जो भी accessories काम में आती थी वो आते जाते किसी न किसी मेले में कोई एक आध दुकानदार बेच ही रहा होता था। मेरी अपनी ही कहानी थी, मैंने शायद तभी ही कुछ दिन पहले "छोटा जादूगर" नाम का सीरियल देखा था, शायद कुनाल खेमू का पहले टीवी सीरियल, सो कुछ वैसा ही देखना चाह रहा था। उस बाप बेटे की जोड़ी ने फिर से कुछ खेल दिखाना शुरू किया। इस बार एक हाथ में सिक्का रख के दूसरे हाथ में अचानक से उसके आ जाने जैसा कुछ था। लोगों में थोडी सी भी उत्सुकता जैसा कुछ नहीं बचा था। मौसम की भी शायद इसमे भागी दारी थी। दोपहर के २ बजे, चमचमाती धुप में घर के बाहर बहुत ज़्यादा लोग नहीं पाये जाते।

मुझे बुरा लगा रहा था उस बाप बेटे की जोड़ी के लिए, पर अपनी तरफ़ से मैं असहाय ही था। न ही मेरे पास अपनी गुल्लक थी जो की मैं कुछ पैसे निकाल के उन्हें दे देता और न ही मुझे घर से पैसे मिलते थे बाहर कुछ खाने के लिए। हम पढ़े लिखे लोगों का एक बहुत पुराना तरीका होता है किसी भी तरह के guilt से अपने आप को अलग करने का। हम बहाने ढूंढ लेते हैं की हम फलां काम इसलिए नहीं कर पाये या उस वजह से नहीं कर पाये। खैर जो भी था, शायद उन बाप बेटे की लाचारी कुछ हद्द तक मेरी समझ में आ रही थी। इतन गर्मी में, नंगे पाँव नंगे बदन कोई भी बाप अपने बेटे को नहीं देख सकता। गरीब शब्द का मतलब शायद हम कभी इतनी गहराई से नहीं समझ सकते जितना की ये देख के की जब ८ साल का एक लड़का अपने बाप की गोद में लोरी सुनके सोता हुआ नहीं बल्कि बाप के इशारों पे इधर से उधर कूदता हुआ फांदता हुआ....दर्शकों का ध्यान बांटने की कोशिश कर रहा है। क्यूंकि शायद उसे इस बात का एहसास है की अगर आज इस तमाशे के बाद पैसे नहीं मिले तो उसके घर में कोई भी खाना नहीं खा पायेगा॥

लोगों को जाता देख उस बाप के दिल में ना जाने क्या आया की वो ज़ोर से चिल्लाया..."आज आपको दिखाऊंगा पहली बार, एक ऐसा चमत्कार जो कर देगा किसी की बोलती बंद। कलकत्ते का जादू है ये आपके शेहेर में नहीं पहले आया। जिसमे है हिम्मत, वो आगे आए....और फिर देखे अपनी आवाज़ को मेरी मुट्ठी में समाये"। एक निहायत ही पतला दुबला आदमी आगे आया पर शायद कुछ लोगों को शक हुआ और उन्होंने कहा की ये तुम्हारा ही आदमी लगता है, ओई और ढूंढो। उस तमाशाई की आँखें भर आई थीं। शायद उसे पता चल चुका था की आज फिर उसके घर में चूल्हा नहीं जलेगा। हार के मरी सी आवाज़ में उसने कहा की है किसी में दम जो आगे आए। लोग उसके फन को मानने को तैयार तो नहीं ही थे पर ख़ुद किसी में हिम्मत भी नहीं थी। शायद डरते थे की कहीं सच में आवाज़ चली गई तो। पता नही मेरे दिल में क्या आया, की शायद जब मेरे ऊपर वो अपना जादू नहीं चला पायेगा तो उसका भांडा फ़ुट जाएगा या फिर यूँ ही अपने आप को एक जादू के खेल में शामिल होता देखने की ख्वाहिश ने मुझे अपना हाथ उठाने पे मजबूर कर दिया।

वो जादूगर की कुछ समझ में नहीं आया, उसने मेरी तरफ़ घूर के देखा। उसने अपने बेटे को हाथ में कुछ काला कपड़ा देके कुछ समझाया और उसका बेटा मेरे पास आ खड़ा हुआ। बाप और बेटा शायद दोनों ही जानते थे की इस खेल का कोई फायेदा नहीं है इसलिए मन मसोस के ही उसने अपने बेटे से कहा की मेरे हाथ पे काला कपडा बाँध दे. वो चिल्लाया की उसके तीन तक गिनते ही मेरी आवाज़ बंद हो जायेगी और मैं अभी भी वापस जाना चाहूं तो जा सकता हूँ। शायद डर सा गया था की कहीं लोग फेंके हुवे पैसे भी न उठा लें। पर पता नहीं मेरे मन में कया था की मैं वहीँ रुका रहा। आख़िर इतना तो जानता ही था की ऐसा कुछ होना मुमकिन ही नहीं था इसीलिए शायद डर भी नहीं लगा।

कांपती आवाज़ में उसने कहा "एक...दो..." मेरी नज़र उसके बेटे के पेट पे गई...जिसपे मांस कम और हड्डियाँ ज़्यादा नज़र आ रही थी। "तीन...!!!"

..और मैं गूंगा बन गया ।।

Friendship - A plagiarized essay that wrote me

2009-05-12T20:12:00.003+05:30

"Friendship is an involuntary reflex.

I have always been big on friendship. Disproportionately big. I guess in most normal and structured lives everything fits in their own beautiful, snug, appropriate little places, and friendship has its own feel-good and convenient slot, rather like the best guest room in the house, just east of and one level down from the splendid master bedroom of eternal love. But for me, it has been different, and sometimes it feels like my house of life has been built pretty much with the dubious cement of real and assumed friendships. It has found its insidious way into the foundation plinth, the pillars, the floor, walls and roof. Its presence so ubiquitous, that it has perhaps turned completely unhealthy. Not just for me, but also for my family, my romantic interests and even occasionally for some of my more unfortunate friends. Like some, who love(d) me more intensely than others - or perhaps hate(d) me more despairingly than most - said: "Your friend fixation will ruin your life, sweetheart. Get a perspective!" Ah well. Advise. Often the worst gift from the best-intentioned folks.

Friendship. Such a feel good word, conjuring up images nice and warm: get-togethers full of resonant laughter and palpable happiness in some warm, summer evening, on an open terrace somewhere far away from the city bustle; shared beers and confidences in a dark and cozy pub, as the skies open up in a torrential downpour outside and the jukebox plays an old Doobie Brothers favorite; shoulder to shoulder, battling common odds, and the euphoria of victories earned together, or even the shared blue note of an occasional setback; an open road, wind in the hair, a sense of freedom, togetherness.

Yes, good times. With some people it's just easier to find than with others, I guess. And perhaps given a simple spark of potential affinity between two people, sometimes everything else in the universe conspires to push them together as friends. Maybe they would share the same immediate future, having met on the first day in a new college hostel. Maybe they share a common interest, finding the deepest connection in their love for Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder's grungy, dark tones. Maybe they fight for the same cause, espousing it with the same intensity, at least for the next few years and until something else catches at least one of their fancy. Or maybe its much more subtle, like just a particular sense of humor, that makes conversations easy, fun, relaxed, natural. And a bond is struck, unsullied by expectations or anxieties that mar almost every new romantic liaison, free of the desparate burden of duties that family can often impose. Another friendship is born. Another journey begins.

And while the good times do certainly roll for most such friendships as the wheels of time trundle along, I suppose the nature of every friendship finds unique character in the way it evolves. The earth grows older, and we grow with it, each in our own unique ways, sometimes so slow, sometimes faster, and our friendships change and grow with us. Some friendships ignite and then die away real quick, forever forgotten. Some spit and sputter, like a damp wood trying to catch fire, but carry on regardless, for far longer than you could imagine. Some turn darker with age, growing painful like an ingrown toenail, poisoned by our own frustrations, misunderstandings and jealousies. And only a few grow roots that inexorably keep digging deeper and deeper into our souls, friendships that sometimes outlast a lifetime. But hey, those are the rare ones. Most of your friendships today, despite the joy it brings you now, will most probably fade away the day after tomorrow, leaving just a unique set of footprints in the slowly shifting sands of your life.

Such a tragedy. Nothing lasts forever, I suppose, and not just in the cold November rain.

And as the earth spins around, days pass slowly by, and years flash past, I try and not lose sight of my own self, as I myself grow, change, and morph, sometimes willingly and in directions that I want to explore, and other times unwittingly, along ways from where I struggle to return. And when I find time to breathe, I look around me, and see everything and every one of my friends change too. Some grow in different ways than I, veering off in directions that shall never be mine. Some get lost, mired in the quicksands of frustrations, misfortunes, self loathing, and pride. Them I watch, in futile sadness, trying to clutch on to the fond memories of the good times together, yet somehow dispassionate at the silent end of an era of friendship, resigned to a strange portent of inevitability. Other friends, miraculously somehow, remain, changing spontaneously also in the pretty much the same ways as I do, across the tortuous terrains of time, in step, in spite of long periods of separation, or despite intense shared tribulations that strain the relationship's every fibre. More out of accident than out of any individual effort of our own engineering, these are the friendships I remain thankful for.

And I realize, not only are true friendships born of involuntary reflex, but they are, in spite of all differences of our unique circumstances of evolution and misguided wanderings across life in search for our own identities, ultimately the true gifts of our destiny. Raise a glass of cheer with me, my friends, past, present and future, who read this now, in a toast to that most treasured accident of our fates: friendship!"

Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop

2009-05-12T19:43:00.002+05:30

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you..
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I want to come too..

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you..

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me..

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much..
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much..
All of the while I never knew

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I'm shining too

Because oh because
I've fallen quite hard over over you

If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much..
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much..
All of the while, I never knew

All of the while , all of the while
It was you..

2009-05-08T12:31:00.007+05:30

How hard can it be to pen down your thoughts in to one cohesive paragraph. Few minutes, few hours, few days? Tried changing languages...starting off on atleast 6 different thought offshoots. Nothing worked. Nothing works. Its definitely not a writer's block...for when was i a writer anyway. There are things about the place, the people, the ways - everything - that need a good description for myself to be reminded of in the later years.

And staring at the screen for 20 mins now...but nothing...zilch. I should stop writing at all.

2009-04-25T01:12:00.002+05:30

There is so much that I have to write, that I must write, just get out of me. But I don't know what is keeping me from it. As of now, its 4 A.M. I should be long asleep but I am not. And for some reason its music again that has taken over me right now. And lost in it I just wonder about all those who know me, if they know me at all.

I shall have a regret though. They never understood me. They thought they did but they never did. I wish this was not the case.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But she was gone when autumn came

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Nervous sigh..

2009-04-04T22:41:00.002+05:30

It all seems like a mirage. I have no clue why. It was real till sometime back. But something stole it.

And then she found..

2009-04-01T13:37:00.003+05:30

She looked for that one person to confide in,
She looked for that one person to lean on,
She looked for that one person to shout at,
She looked for that one person to be liked by,
She looked for that one person to love,
She looked for that one person to hate,
She looked for that one person who would understand,
She looked for that one person who would protect,
But she looked for that one person.

And then she found them.

Anonymous Speak..

2009-03-26T23:18:00.005+05:30

"Inherent inability to accept the truth often results in situations that destroy the sanctity of the past. For as soon as the future misaligns itself from the past, a new untreaded path is visible. There are few who walk on it and achieve what they set out to but forgot that they always wanted to. And then there are others who are never talked about." - Anon.

Meet Me on the Other Side..

2009-03-25T04:44:00.002+05:30

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07N_v7Q1A1s

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still dont know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side

Maybe I oughta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
Well not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when its gone

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
The trick aint worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And loves a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

Honey now if Im honest
I still dont know what love is..

A Life Wrap please..!

2009-03-23T18:40:00.005+05:30

"Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled,

And now the floodgates cannot hold"

As a kid he was like most others, maybe better.

Get up, go to school, be the ideal student - the good friend, come back, do the homework, rush off to play, come back, watch TV and sleep. And then he grew up. And he grew up to be this man sans ideals. He grew up to be a fake. He grew up to be someone even he didn't want to be.

He missed his childhood. But they said he had a great life. And then he fell. And then he died.

His childhood misses him now.

Aisi Sazaa..

2009-03-20T05:47:00.002+05:30

Aisi Sazaa Deti Hawaa
Tanhaai Bhi Tanha Nahi
Neendein Bhi Ab Sone Gayeen
Raaton Ko Bhi Parwaah Nahi

Aise Mein Baarish Ki Boondon Se

Apni Saanson Ko Sehla Bhi Do
Badhti Hawaaon Ke Jhonko Se

Dil Ko Naghma Koi La Bhi Do

Palkon Ki Koro Pe Baithi Nami Ko
Dheeme Se Pighla Bhi Do

Ye Zindagi Aisi Hi Thi
Tumne Kabhi Jaana Nahi

Jeevan Ki Raahon Mein Aana Ya Jaana
Bataake Nahi Hota Hai
Jaate Kahin Hain Magar Jaante Nahi
Ki Aana Wahin Hota Hai

Khone Ki Zid Mein Ye Kyun Bhoolte Ho
Ki Paana Bhi Hota Hai

Wo Pal Abhi
Waisa Hi Hai
Chhoda Tha Jo
Jaisa Wahin

Aisi Sazaa Deti Hawaa
Tanhaai Bhi Tanha Nahi
Neendein Bhi Ab Sone Gayeen
Raaton Ko Bhi Parwaah Nahi..

You're the first one

2009-03-18T19:15:00.005+05:30

With a tired look and a heavy head..he gazed at the door from where she had left. There was no reason required - for when perceptions are mere expectations, reality is but the perception. He could not remember how long it had been. A minute or ten? An hour maybe? Few days...lifetime? The excruciating feeling in his chest made it clear that he could not have survived that long and he merely tried to guess.

They had met at the Visa office, the most uncommon of places anyone would meet anyone worth remembering. But they did. A two hour wait in the queue and then running around the place for a reappointment -because they both had been so involved in chatting around with each other that they missed their respective interviews - made it worth remembering. And they did.

Relationships are funny. Unexplainable and unbelievable connections are attributed to this one word. And so did they. While one drank coffee, even though she didn't like it a single bit; the other started appreciating the difference between a Mid-low rise and a Mid-very low-mid rise jeans. And all this in a way that other was not supposed to know. The talks ranged from roses to weather to politics to love to people to indifferences.

It had been merely more than a couple of weeks but seemed like a couple of years. Not that they knew anything and everything about each other but it didn't matter. Whenever they talked, they knew the person they were talking to. And it felt like a recollection of everything in their own hearts and minds.

She was very excited today. More than he had ever seen her. He couldn't help being happy for her for that's how it had always worked for him - not knowing what he was happy for but knowing that she was. "Thank You", he looked up and said to someone high up there who he recently started believing in. She said she wanted to talk to him about something and would tell him if he made her a nice coffee!

It was only while making coffee in the kitchen, he felt that he was falling in love with her. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life making her happier than she ever was. "Then maybe this is it", he thought to himself. "I am leaving, have to run! Something for you on the table!!", she shouted and he heard her footsteps, leaving. His heart almost stopped. Had she been thinking the same thing? He almost thought about telling it to her but had not thought if he actually would. He felt scared. Nervous. Wanted to shout to stop her but could not gather his voice together.

He went out. There was a wedding invitation on the table. It also said in handwritten letters - "For the first invitee".

थम जा..

2009-03-12T03:57:00.005+05:30

How many times have you wished that time could stop? And just so that the moment of pleasure, the moment of realization (or maybe even pain) is long enough to last a lifetime. Funny that we can find inspirations from books, movies, idols...funnier that sometimes it all comes from within. If everything really was within, unleashing it shouldn't have been so difficult. Momentary lapses I call them. Long enough for making some hours of your life worthwhile and short enough to still let the persistent undertone prevail.

Still what justifies writing a blog about just any other day? To think of what really could have been wrong/ right about this day I cannot fathom more than these basic facts. For one, today was a moonlit night...brilliantly moonlit night. Today was Holi...colourful as it was. Today was pretty much like any other day. Maybe.

In the pursuit of desires we lose touch with someone who deserved it the most, someone who longed for it the most - one's own self. And the craving is not often felt but when it is, it is overpowering. Philosophical, as few would label this. But the truth still remains- and I personally can vouch for it- if even a narcissist like myself can feel a disconnect to his own self then maybe there are others too. Or so is the hope. And it is this that makes you seek contentment around you. And disappointment is but the natural course.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAvgSB_9sfY&eurl

Lyrics to above video:
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

Fare you well

2009-02-21T00:19:00.003+05:30

Attention seeking disorder of the fourth kind:

Something that, I just realized, is exhibited by writing blogs, updating status messages, talking to people about your problems, their problems and as funny as it sounds...by being nice in front of everyone and here comes the googly, by smiling...and smiling a lot at your bloody expense.

Life sucks. But something tells me, Death is gonna be no better.

Perception Management

2008-12-23T13:01:00.005+05:30

There is something about managing your perception well that an MBA teaches most of us. Knew a couple of people at this place...more than a couple actually, who pretend to be something else and are something else. Of course, this won't make sense to an uninitiated reader (or for that matter, even an initiated one for I am not the credible types..) But this is a place that brings out the true colors of a lot of us.

Its good in a way that it really leads to a widening of your horizons, your perspectives. I am not pessimistic about people. Have been one of the most optimistic ones in believing them in the first instance. Ok...my blog, maybe I am taking the benefit of the fact and being blabbermouth about myself. But just in case, my faith got reaffirmed in all this by a couple of incidents that took place very recently. Only thing is that its hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Everyone is here with a purpose, with a stupid agenda and it does not matter to them what it takes to complete that.

Afterall, its not the means but the end.

P.S. In the race for all this, I quit. I quit to strive hard to manage what people think of me....they don't think any good..and they won't :) I wait for the next moment of humiliation at the hands of anyone and everyone who wants to have a grab at it. And I will try again to not get affected..and I quit before losing out...my faith, my dignity and...everything else.

Desire

2008-12-19T00:34:00.004+05:30

And you never knew the beauty of desire..

For you were busy & too tired to admire..

But things did change, now they call me a liar..

I'm tired but got some help,

My objects of desire today set my pyre..

Procrastination in full swing

2008-12-14T04:25:00.004+05:30

There is something about wsting time which only we - the privileged time wasters - know of. Probably, its just the feeling of being able to waste what is most precious at the moment - time. But it makes you feel so good...a little guilty...and nostalgic at times. I, for one, reminisced over the same song which I have done for like 8 years now. Yaadein yaad aati hain.....yup, God knows what I remembered today but something again touched the very core. Off late I am trying consciously to feel good...feel good about a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of activities as well. Maybe, I am tired of myself. Maybe, this is the sole reason I wanted to feel something new. Maybe, this again is a phase that shall but pass off.

I hope for a better tomorrow because this time I am tired and I don't want to crumble up into the feeling of nothingness again...

(Blogs are a wonderful way to let out those stupid feelings that you cannot talk about with anyone and then let the whole silly world read and ponder about it in their free time. In fact, I wonder if I write because I like to or because I know that someone might read it someday. I would still like to believe the former but I don't know if at a subconscious level I am aware of the latter as well.)

यूँ ही कभी कभी...

2008-11-26T17:19:00.002+05:30

दर्द की इन आहों में इक चेहरा तलाशते हैं..
रेत की इन राहों में बस उसको तराशते हैं..

यूँ तो दर्द है इतना की ग़म-ऐ-जाम पिए जाते हैं..
बेशर्म सी ये ज़िन्दगी जो अब भी जिए जाते हैं..

कभी मुड के देखा तो कुछ राहगीर नज़र आते हैं..
जाने पहचाने से लगते हैं पर साफ़ मुकर जाते हैं..

आखरी है इल्तजा और आखरी ख्वाहिश यही..
अब अगर मिलना भी तो नज़रें कभी मिलाना नहीं..

The Breakup

2008-11-01T23:13:00.011+05:30

The Breakup

Meg's story

"It was like being with a kid, handling him...with caution", she said. "He was so stuck up with his own thoughts...his own ideas...in his own world". Meg had never preferred to talk about her relationship but it seemed like today she wanted to let it all out. She seemed exhausted. It had been a now-on and now-off kind of relationship. They never proclaimed, not even to each other, that they were dating. But the world seemed to believe so....and maybe rightly so. And Shelly, her best friend, wouldn't believe that Meg and Nick were not together anymore.

"...But Meg, maybe that's why you two clicked...you were different...you both were so unlike but so very perfect together...complements but still the part of a whole". But even Shelly couldn't do much to change Meg's mind. Nick was gone and probably forever. It wasn't that Meg didn't cry. She did, she sure did. For that one hug from him, she still wished for it. She still wanted it. But maybe the feelings were gone. Her inside told her to forget him and Meg was practical enough to realize the facts. She knew that this was for the better. For she hated being bothered - about the smallest things in life. She hated being questioned. She liked her freedom. She liked Nick but only for what he should have been and not what he always was.

Shelly left. Unable to do much she left Meg by her door and offered any help that Meg would need. Meg didn't need it. She was strong. Or she liked to think so.

Her head spun today..felt heavy. She thought she needed coffee. The next door coffee shop was still open. Being a regular there she just occupied the usual corner. He used to be with her but today she was alone. The coffee shop guy looked at her but had some strange look tonight. She thought about Marc, the office guy who also liked her. She thought about her family..about friends. "Coffee..", said the waiter and put her coffee with a blueberry muffin next to it. She didn't remember ordering it and gave a puzzled look. "On the house!". She felt better....she liked blueberry muffins.

Nick's story

He felt shattered. He still sat there under the chestnut tree where they used to meet..and where they had met today probably for the last time. Was it night already, he wondered. The last time they had fought was a couple of weeks back. He knew it was a small issue..could have been avoided but eventually ended up in a fight. But the last time he knew they would both end up in each others arms...profusely wanting to be together, both sorry for the fight, not blaming - just being.

Nick knew he was weak..maybe not upto the standards of someone like Meg and felt privileged in being around her, being with her.

Today was different. The light of hope seemed to have faded away because Meg had refused to trust him for the first time in their relationship. And he knew he was not imagining things...Meg had told him herself.

He got up and started walking.

He cursed himself. His chest hurt and he didn't know why. Meg had accused him today of behaving like a child and being unable to cope with his attitude. Nick continued walking. He wanted her. He liked her. But maybe the priorities were different for both of them. Nick wanted Meg and knew now he was never going to get her. And Meg? What did she want? "Not me..", he thought.

He found himself outside a glass window for he was used to coming to this place everyday but now he didn't feel like going in. He spotted a familiar face..someone who until yesterday, he called his own. She was sitting at the same table they used to. His face was wet with tears and sweat. He looked at her and knew she was feeling lonely. He motioned to the coffee-shop owner from outside. With a puzzled look at first, the owner realized the lovers' misfortune very soon. Nick pointed towards the blueberry muffins.

He knew they were Meg's favorite...

दर्द और दवा

2008-10-31T21:53:00.001+05:30

नहीं कहते कि दर्द हमारा है ज़माने से बढ़ कर,
ग़म बस इस बात का है कि दर्द भी तुम हो और दवा भी...

Wanderlust

2008-10-26T16:08:00.002+05:30

नहीं फुर्सत यकीन मानो हमें कुछ और करने की,
तेरी बातें, तेरी यादें, बहुत मसरूफ रखती हैं...

Maybe 'twas Love...

2008-10-04T22:24:00.004+05:30

The first tears,
and the first fight.
The early mornings,
and that late night.

The sweet nothings,
that were never said.
The love-hate letters
that were again re-read.

A wish from the heart,
which came to be true.
He wished for everything,
And he got you.

But a twist in tale,
and not all seemed right.
A heart broken,
another heart's plight.

It fell apart,
or so it was told.
We never knew,
what made them hold.

He still remembers,
She still cries.
His painful longing,
Her Misty eyes.

But regret they don't,
and tell us with a smile.
Even a moment together
made it all worthwhile.

For love is blind,
we all construe.

But maybe 'twas Love,
and maybe it was true.

A little less..or a little more?

2008-10-04T20:33:00.004+05:30

I have been off late (in fact-for most of my existence probably) accused of being too philosophical. In plain simple words that translates to what I say/ imply/ mean is hypothetical/ non-existent/ non-real/ bull. Yeah, surprising? But I knew what you all meant when you guys were saying this to me! I ain't this stupid.

A yearning to be special- they say its in everyone and I am no different. Agree.
A feeling of communicating without speaking- they say its, well for the lack of a better word- cr*p, doesn't mean much. Agree.
A want, a need, a desire to be desired- they say its in basic human/animal instinct. Don't agree.

Why do things lose meaning if you are not unique in wishing for them?

You either end up wishing for a little more of happiness or....a little less of the pain.

Yet Again

2008-09-20T10:43:00.002+05:30

फिर क्या हुआ ये राह की दुश्वारियों से पूछ,
बस इतना याद है तेरी जानिब चला था मैं..

पिछली रात में....

2008-09-16T00:54:00.004+05:30

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

सब जग सोये हम जागें
तारों से करें बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

तकते तकते टूटी जाए आस
पिया ना आए रे तकते तकते
शाम सवेरे दर्द अनोखे उठे
जिया घबराए रे शाम सवेरे

रातों ने मेरी नींद लूट ली
दिन के चैन चुराए रे
दुखिया आखें ढूँढ रही हैं
कहीं प्यार की बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

पिछली रात में हम उठ उठ के
चुपके चुपके रोये रे पिछली रात में
सुख की नींद में मीत हमारे
देस पराये सोये रे सुख की नींद में

दिल की धड़कनें तुझे पुकारे
आजा बालम आई बहारें
बैठ के तन्हाई में करलें
सुख दुःख की दो बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

सब जग सोये हम जागें
तारों से करें बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

2008-09-15T02:11:00.002+05:30

Blank - for sometimes words fall short...

Virgin? Really?

2008-09-13T16:16:00.003+05:30

Ok...Erased a full block of around 12 lines....and why? For it was about life and I was trying to take a shot at making fun of it. But somehow got the feel, its always life that wins in the end. I may end up writing a blog post or a funny one liner but its Life that will have the last laugh.

Had heard this earlier in life and just thought of it as yet another interesting funny one liner. But then I have felt it and the feeling goes so deep that it is beyond any cribbing. "Nobody dies a virgin. Life screws everyone".

Somehow I always wanted to see life in the form of "Liv Tyler" draped in white, descending from the skies, and taking me in her arms and telling me for one last time...yet again...that Life is worth living for the sheer pleasure of enjoying her beauty(?). For now its the responsibilities, the relationships, the many commitments that you have which makes us look at life from a conformist's viewpoint. And its not me. Its everyone, behind the masquerades that they have put on for different people..different environments, each of us has a wish for something better, something different. As much as everyone would disagree, I might never come to terms with their disagreement. I never will.

I am not a disbeliever, nor a pessimist. I love to look at life from a glass window that is crystal clear...unstained. But ain't it true that we all have our own "What If..." and "काश...". Any answers why?

Its probably in the run up to these what if's that we find our own pleasures....for maybe the seeking is really bigger than the attainment. Maybe it was never about getting what you wanted. Maybe it was always about the pursuit. And maybe....just maybe...we all find our places in the crowd. To each his own. A no name face is a face afterall.

उस रात की बात...

2008-09-09T00:25:00.004+05:30

इस आखरी जश्न में
एक ज़िन्दगी और जी लेते हैं ..

शायद आखरी रात है ...
बस आज और पी लेते हैं ..

कुछ लम्हे रह जायेंगे
खुरदुरी सी यादों के ..

और टुकड़े बच जायेंगे
सपनों की बातों के ..

वो आस बस रहेगी ..
और दिल फिर कहेगा ..

वो बात कुछ और थी..
ये बात कुछ और है..

वो शाम कुछ और थी ..
ये शाम कुछ और है..

Sounds in Silence

2008-09-08T12:02:00.003+05:30

The sounds get louder. And then you stop hearing your own voice.
You stop hearing your own thoughts.
They curse you. You curse them.
Selflessness perishes. Self interest prevails.
Perversion is visible now. In thoughts and in action.

Who was right? Who is wrong?
Doesn't matter.
Nobody bothers.

You die. They die. You wish they didn't.

Life's Unfair or is it just me?

2008-09-06T14:16:00.003+05:30

Quiet
Jilted
It lay there
Wilted

Hope
And Pain
Salty Eyes
Thirsty Rain

Moist cheeks
Someone cried
Said and Forgotten
But the Rose just died

Crib. Yet Another Crib. For when expectation doesn't meet your desperation, this is the best refuge you can take. I do. I run for shelter at the first sight of trouble, or so has been the case lately. I remember a quote from Helen Keller- "Life is either a daring adventure....or nothing". Am I then living in a nothingness and cursing it? Who is to be blamed?

Till Death Do Us Part

2008-09-03T14:05:00.001+05:30

Something I wrote in yet another class a couple of days back. Something that could have been written in two ways and for some reason ended up taking this shape. Most of those who read it have not liked a couple of facts about it. I still cannot understand why though.

This is something which I had in mind for a long time. Had to get out one way or the other. And I preferred it this way.

Ghalib

2008-08-29T16:43:00.001+05:30

Humne maana ke taghafful na karoge lekin
Khaak ho jaayenge hum tumko khabar hone tak..

The Not So Sweet Nothings..

2008-08-22T14:40:00.001+05:30

Nagme hain, shikwe hain..
Kisse hain, baatein hain

Baatein bhool jaati hain..
Yaadein yaad aati hain..

Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain..
Yaadein...

Bandhan ho to chhodein..
Darpan ho to todein..
Hum sab hain mushkil mein..
Yeh dil hai is dil mein..
Yaadein...

Duniya mein hum saare..
Yaadon ke hai maare..
Kuch kushiyaan, thode gham..
Yeh humse, inse hum..
Yaadein..Yaadein..

Strip-ping Again!

2008-08-16T15:50:00.002+05:30

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime..

2008-08-13T02:02:00.001+05:30

Randomness Again....

2008-08-12T00:00:00.001+05:30

इस आईने में सब सियाह नज़र आते हैं
ये रंग है आईने का या लोग बदल जाते हैं...

इक अरसे से बैठे थे, किसी के इंतज़ार में
हम यहीं रह गए, वो छू के निकल जाते हैं...

ये नकाबपोशों का शहर है, हर चेहरा छुपा जाते हैं
दर्द देते हैं गहरा, फिर दोस्त बन के आते हैं...

नाराजगी है ख़ुद से, क्यूँ ख्वाब में वो आते हैं
और क्यूँ उसी मुस्कराहट पे हम अब भी जिए जाते हैं...

Something that started off on a movie outing night...in a Pizza Hut, and was completed the next day in an Eco Class..

Strip-ping

2008-08-10T12:46:00.001+05:30

Ok, this is something new I have been trying my hands on. Yeah yeah, punny (funny?) name of the post. I seriously don't know why.

A Tryst with Destiny (?)

2008-07-10T19:27:00.001+05:30

I met a lady the other day,
"Luck is my name", she did say..
Respectfully, I got out of the way
"Ladies first", I did pray.
Surprized and Smiling, she went away...

Another one from inside the classroom. I wonder if this is how they had planned to bring out creativity in the students. By the way, wrote this one in our Managerial Communication (ManComm) class. Pretty sure this is exactly how a mangerial communication should/will/must not proceed.

Random Perceptions about a Statistical Disadvantage

2008-07-08T12:34:00.001+05:30

- An ode to a concept called Class Participation (CP)

"Oh Sir- is it because of the food chain?"

"-or is it really the monetary gain?"

Looking back in disdain,

I pray to God...not again!

Class Participation or so they say,

Is Bright sunshine, so make some hay

"WTF?", you express dismay..

This, my friends, is Em Bee Yay!

Left my job, Forgot "Friday"

Borrowed millions, just to pay.

And all for what?

-Bloody tape-recorders play!

Insanity-thou art CP..

Boggles me, makes me sleepy

Reiteration, Desperation and......Reiteration

And by the way- we are the "cream of our nation".

I must add here that I am thankful to the Professors here at IIMB, who instilled in me enough desire and woke up (pun definitely intended) the creative (?) side of me.

You see, MBA does weird stuff to you- this was written during a really "interesting" MO (Managing Organizations) lecture. Ohh and I must add, it was only the second lecture of that course....

I am desperate to keep my sanity (no pun intended) close to me but then is it my fault really?

My Overkill?

2008-06-02T02:34:00.002+05:30

Its tough to take this decision of resuming blogging....for I want to commit to this activity and then any laziness on my part to not write this blog will eventually make me feel guilty about it...so I will have to try to keep up (with me?)

Here goes with a very interesting song i have heard recently (Thanks to Scrubs for that)...I saw the original version of this song as well- it goes at a faster tempo though but sounds equally good. I have always felt the need for good lyrics in a song in order to like it...and this doesn't fall short at that end either. Below are the lyrics to the song aptly named "Overkill"

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

The video to the song:

(Incomplete )

2007-06-18T20:41:00.002+05:30

Main Kaun Hoon?
Har jashn ka dhuan hoon
har ishq ki wafa hoon
har ashq mein saza hoon
hoon aabroo, haya hoon

hoon main nirakar bhi
hoon aasma ke paar bhi

Nostalgia

2006-04-21T05:08:00.001+05:30

Didn't feel anything at the nostalgia today....did not have time for it...went, ate and came...that was it...I don't know what the repercussions are all about..I suddenly played the songs of Yaadein...remember them clearly as those were the ones I used to hear during ragging...missed home..I had a a walkman...probably Abhijeet's- my next door neighbor at that time......he is currently in Delhi, probably having forgotten all about me and gearing up hard for his IAS thingy...Well, Best of Luck to him..

I have seen a lot in these five years here..probably like everyone else..a little more maybe..but I never wished or rather saw myself bidding farewell to this place so easily...I was hurt when people left last time...but didn't feel it before everything happened...but then, most of them were not the people I care the most about..

This time the 'thesis' has made the idea of being nostalgic more unapproachable for me. I don't have time, or to put it truly, the energy to think of that. And I know the time to come is not easy. Just want everything to be ok once I move out from here...and want most of us to stay connected. And also wish for the unspoken difficulties to not happen..Let live in peace.

Andhiyon se jhagad rahi hai lau meri..

2006-03-05T11:47:00.001+05:30

I have never been good at accepting challenges and living up to them. But the time must come...now. For when else is the life going to offer a more pleasing practice ground to prepare yourself for the real challenges.

Being a Jack of All and the Master of None lands me up in the pits of inferiority complexes more than once but rarely do I get out as a winner. Writing just helps me vent out the momentary frustrations but I have no idea if it will also help me overlook the "Loser" tag that i have learnt to associate myself with.

Innocence Lost Forever

2006-03-03T22:14:00.001+05:30

I miss a lot. With all the innocence, all the selflessness, all the simplicity gone out of life....I feel incomplete. The school life, which I would hence use to refer to a part of life that is particularly being missed the most and is seen as containing the aforementioned properties, is long gone and cannot be recalled. No vivid pictures though but faint beautiful memories that touch deep down.

The trickling of tears, when the friends you liked the most, hurt you. The blushing at the sight of a "School Heart-throb ", every single boy/girl feeling that the "Heart-throb" just looked at him/her. Making fun of the teachers, in their absence by mimicking their most annoying habit or in their presence, by imitating their gestures while maintaining a status quo in getting the punishment of standing near the blackboard daily.

Why don't people remember everything that was good...That was the life when you did not learn to be shrewd, when you could not even spell the word "treacherous". I miss being with friends that were a party in all those things labeled "indisciplined", I miss being the "intelligent" boy of the class and still being able to carry out all that is not expected from such a guy.

Its a different world now. Complicated, Complex and Cruel. I am changed and am part of the wicked mentality with more like me. I miss not being able to follow a routine where completing the homework was the only irritating thing and the reasons to cheer up were as simple as a TV show which I liked. But then the feelings crept in.

I am a bad person today. I miss not being able to weep at reasons where I should have if I were- myself 5 years back. I still do...Sometimes...And tears have suddenly started trickling down today at the remembrance of the things that will never be back. Change it must and Changed have they. But I still want a bigger memory space so that changes are accommodated not at the expense of things you liked...Ever.

For these are the moments when I understand the true meaning of Love...Its too different from the picture we perceive of it. Sinner am I like no one else. I have my own big account of sins which are seemingly unmanageable by the Higher authority too. But still, something tells me in these moments that Love converges into Him....And I have felt it sometimes.

God, you have been kind to me for everything in spite of me being a person not supposed to be in your good books. I pray to turn my soul in to that which it was years back. I pray for the happiness that came with the times when I finished my homework in school, when I knew I had all time in the home to watch TV and go out in the evening with my friends. I pray for me...Selfishly...Because as yet I am still the one who has forgotten the Innocence, the selflessness, the love, the truth.

Irony

2005-11-25T19:45:00.001+05:30

Odd..Strange..Why this? The last four days have been a holidaying experience for me, though I never found them as enjoyable but to others they always seemed like a BIG break from the phase of 'absolutely-no-work' that I was in. And today, different.
Each hour very different than the previous. Me has got 7 more minutes before exiting this post or rather 4 more minutes.
I dont know the hows and whys of my nature. Has it been changing gradually or have I been this mood swinger of the sorts that I am?

Agar ye khwaab hai to mujhe jaga de ae khuda,
Bardaasht nahin hote ab in band aankhon ke ashq..

2005-11-24T19:28:00.000+05:30

Musing

I have been listening to Jagjit Singh's ghazals since this morning. They were always like this...touching..but there seems to be an underlying unknown feeling with them today. Post CAT Depression?????? I don't think so...or maybe I don't really know.

The two songs..."Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho" and "Koi ye kaise bataye" penetrate right through me. No, not that i am falling for the deep romantic meanings of the song...atleast not in the literal sense.

Here are the lyrics that i would love to quote for the sake of me remembering them forever..

Koi ye kaise bataye ke wo tanhaa kyun hai
Wo jo apnaa tha, wahi aur kisi ka kyun hai
Yahee duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyun hai
Yahee hota hai to aakhir yahee hota kyun hai?

Ik zara haath badhaa de to pakad lein daaman
Us ke seene mein samaa jaaye, humari dhadkan
Itni kurbat hai to fir faasla itna kyun hai?

Dil-e-barbaad se niklaa nahin ab tak koi
Ik lute ghar pe diya karta hai dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayee phir se bndhata kyun hai?

Tum masarrat ka kaho ya ise gham ka rishta
Kehte hain pyar ka rishta hai janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka jo ye rishta to badalta kyun hai?

I still wonder why is this blog public at all, when I don't intend to provide any community service through it.

2005-07-11T00:34:00.000+05:30

"Will I always have guilt as the topic of my Blogs??"

I have been thinking of writing a blog since yesterday...but as nature will have it, yesterday was Hope, Self-Respect and Confidence but Today is guilt, perversion of attitude and fear.
I just read an article yesterday, ofcourse which now is a redundant information for it served no purpose. If Today was as good as Yesterday then maybe I would have gone talking about the article for long time. Maybe the Today is a little bit into future as of yet. I ill wait for it.
I have to come up with better blogs. For that I have to come up with a better "quality of life" (I am borrowing the phrase from the shortest equi-aged pal that I've got)

Beauty - Pun intended

2005-06-29T10:50:00.001+05:30

I dont know what, maybe the weather or maybe my guilt of oversleeping et. al. is prompting me to write this one. Well for the weather, I am actually enjoying it...and for the first time in the past couple of days, I seem to like the sunlight (although I have always liked it before the 8 minute delay that it takes to come to our place you see, its all because of the "Sun God"-ish kind of stuff that is in my mind and also because I don't want the sunlight to get angry and kill me in the chilling winters, I dont know why would I even say so)

Haven't been doing much, rather anything, from the past couple of days. I want to lead this life as normally as possible but make a fool of myself trying to do so. I guess it would be easier and much more righteous (in some way at least) to be normal rather than trying to be normal.

I want- ok, I know I want too often, but still - to lead a life that is as light and floating as the weather right now...just right now.
I know my basic worries at the moment can only be attributed to two things and one person in particular...my guide. No, I don't blame him or something but that I am in some sort of a moral dilemma whenever I realize that I am not working hard enough for my Thesis or that I am not ready for the presentation.

A Beautiful life is all that I want- or rather I am expecting too much for Life and beautiful seem to be antonyms. Pessimistic, huh..?

Deja Vu

2005-06-17T00:54:00.001+05:30

I keep on saying this to myself and seeing myself in the same situation again and again....deja-vu? Even if it is, I bring it to me. Life had challenges earlier..it still has but the drive to face them is vanishing in thin air. The meaning is faint....almost lost.

I still love soft songs, a cheesy slice of anything in the world. Well for that matter still love to crack jokes in all possible situations....mostly on myself. Does it cause a personality trap? Maybe now I believe it..I am trapped inside a virtual nonme me that tries to behave like myself but is far from what I am. Or maybe, I have become what I never was. Too confusing..ehh...for me too.

I have been trying to imitate myself better so that everyone around me finds me in my ver 1.0 but sooner or later they will realise it that its not me but one that lives to hide his 'alterego-me'...the real me...

Blogging for that matter is what I totally hated, for it never ever brought out the real you and is another imitation of what you want people to see you as. But slowly I have come to terms to realization of the fact that even if its about showing people what you want to...it is successful..well mostly. For I might even be judged by the content of this itself which itself might be hypothetical enough to make you get trapped in its intricacies and unclearness.

At present the self conscience is dead..or is having a fight at a very subdued level with my heart which has lost itself to the head.

Shaayad ab chalna bhi isliye chahta hoon,
ki ruke ruke ab thak jaata hoon...
Kadam abhi bhi dagmagate hain,
Par pyase ka kuaan nahin..kuen ki pyaas ban na chahta hoon..

Ibadat

2005-05-20T09:59:00.001+05:30

Ab ek ibadat dhoondhta hoon ..
jeene ki chahat dhoondhta hoon ..
Yun to zinda hain, har gham ke liye..
Khushiyon ki aadat dhoondhta hoon ..

Ik aas si dil mein rehti hai..
Jo chhup chhup ke kuchh kehti hai..
Kabhi to itni door na thi..
jo manzil ab na dikhti hai..

Kya shabd hi itne gehre hain ki unmen sab kuchh main likh jaaoon..
Ya Mann ke dharatal pe apne, jo likha hai wo sab keh jaaoon..
Isi kashm-o-kash mein uljha sa..
Ab ek ibaadat dhoondhta hoon..