(Incomplete )

Main Kaun Hoon?
Har jashn ka dhuan hoon
har ishq ki wafa hoon
har ashq mein saza hoon
hoon aabroo, haya hoon

hoon main nirakar bhi
hoon aasma ke paar bhi

Nostalgia

Didn't feel anything at the nostalgia today....did not have time for it...went, ate and came...that was it...I don't know what the repercussions are all about..I suddenly played the songs of Yaadein...remember them clearly as those were the ones I used to hear during ragging...missed home..I had a a walkman...probably Abhijeet's- my next door neighbor at that time......he is currently in Delhi, probably having forgotten all about me and gearing up hard for his IAS thingy...Well, Best of Luck to him..

I have seen a lot in these five years here..probably like everyone else..a little more maybe..but I never wished or rather saw myself bidding farewell to this place so easily...I was hurt when people left last time...but didn't feel it before everything happened...but then, most of them were not the people I care the most about..

This time the 'thesis' has made the idea of being nostalgic more unapproachable for me. I don't have time, or to put it truly, the energy to think of that. And I know the time to come is not easy. Just want everything to be ok once I move out from here...and want most of us to stay connected. And also wish for the unspoken difficulties to not happen..Let live in peace.

Andhiyon se jhagad rahi hai lau meri..

I have never been good at accepting challenges and living up to them. But the time must come...now. For when else is the life going to offer a more pleasing practice ground to prepare yourself for the real challenges.

Being a Jack of All and the Master of None lands me up in the pits of inferiority complexes more than once but rarely do I get out as a winner. Writing just helps me vent out the momentary frustrations but I have no idea if it will also help me overlook the "Loser" tag that i have learnt to associate myself with.

Innocence Lost Forever

I miss a lot. With all the innocence, all the selflessness, all the simplicity gone out of life....I feel incomplete. The school life, which I would hence use to refer to a part of life that is particularly being missed the most and is seen as containing the aforementioned properties, is long gone and cannot be recalled. No vivid pictures though but faint beautiful memories that touch deep down.

The trickling of tears, when the friends you liked the most, hurt you. The blushing at the sight of a "School Heart-throb ", every single boy/girl feeling that the "Heart-throb" just looked at him/her. Making fun of the teachers, in their absence by mimicking their most annoying habit or in their presence, by imitating their gestures while maintaining a status quo in getting the punishment of standing near the blackboard daily.

Why don't people remember everything that was good...That was the life when you did not learn to be shrewd, when you could not even spell the word "treacherous". I miss being with friends that were a party in all those things labeled "indisciplined", I miss being the "intelligent" boy of the class and still being able to carry out all that is not expected from such a guy.

Its a different world now. Complicated, Complex and Cruel. I am changed and am part of the wicked mentality with more like me. I miss not being able to follow a routine where completing the homework was the only irritating thing and the reasons to cheer up were as simple as a TV show which I liked. But then the feelings crept in.

I am a bad person today. I miss not being able to weep at reasons where I should have if I were- myself 5 years back. I still do...Sometimes...And tears have suddenly started trickling down today at the remembrance of the things that will never be back. Change it must and Changed have they. But I still want a bigger memory space so that changes are accommodated not at the expense of things you liked...Ever.

For these are the moments when I understand the true meaning of Love...Its too different from the picture we perceive of it. Sinner am I like no one else. I have my own big account of sins which are seemingly unmanageable by the Higher authority too. But still, something tells me in these moments that Love converges into Him....And I have felt it sometimes.

God, you have been kind to me for everything in spite of me being a person not supposed to be in your good books. I pray to turn my soul in to that which it was years back. I pray for the happiness that came with the times when I finished my homework in school, when I knew I had all time in the home to watch TV and go out in the evening with my friends. I pray for me...Selfishly...Because as yet I am still the one who has forgotten the Innocence, the selflessness, the love, the truth.

Irony

Odd..Strange..Why this? The last four days have been a holidaying experience for me, though I never found them as enjoyable but to others they always seemed like a BIG break from the phase of 'absolutely-no-work' that I was in. And today, different.
Each hour very different than the previous. Me has got 7 more minutes before exiting this post or rather 4 more minutes.
I dont know the hows and whys of my nature. Has it been changing gradually or have I been this mood swinger of the sorts that I am?

Agar ye khwaab hai to mujhe jaga de ae khuda,
Bardaasht nahin hote ab in band aankhon ke ashq..

Musing

I have been listening to Jagjit Singh's ghazals since this morning. They were always like this...touching..but there seems to be an underlying unknown feeling with them today. Post CAT Depression?????? I don't think so...or maybe I don't really know.

The two songs..."Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho" and "Koi ye kaise bataye" penetrate right through me. No, not that i am falling for the deep romantic meanings of the song...atleast not in the literal sense.

Here are the lyrics that i would love to quote for the sake of me remembering them forever..


Koi ye kaise bataye ke wo tanhaa kyun hai
Wo jo apnaa tha, wahi aur kisi ka kyun hai
Yahee duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyun hai
Yahee hota hai to aakhir yahee hota kyun hai?

Ik zara haath badhaa de to pakad lein daaman
Us ke seene mein samaa jaaye, humari dhadkan
Itni kurbat hai to fir faasla itna kyun hai?

Dil-e-barbaad se niklaa nahin ab tak koi
Ik lute ghar pe diya karta hai dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayee phir se bndhata kyun hai?

Tum masarrat ka kaho ya ise gham ka rishta
Kehte hain pyar ka rishta hai janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka jo ye rishta to badalta kyun hai?


I still wonder why is this blog public at all, when I don't intend to provide any community service through it.

"Will I always have guilt as the topic of my Blogs??"

I have been thinking of writing a blog since yesterday...but as nature will have it, yesterday was Hope, Self-Respect and Confidence but Today is guilt, perversion of attitude and fear.
I just read an article yesterday, ofcourse which now is a redundant information for it served no purpose. If Today was as good as Yesterday then maybe I would have gone talking about the article for long time. Maybe the Today is a little bit into future as of yet. I ill wait for it.
I have to come up with better blogs. For that I have to come up with a better "quality of life" (I am borrowing the phrase from the shortest equi-aged pal that I've got)

Beauty - Pun intended

I dont know what, maybe the weather or maybe my guilt of oversleeping et. al. is prompting me to write this one. Well for the weather, I am actually enjoying it...and for the first time in the past couple of days, I seem to like the sunlight (although I have always liked it before the 8 minute delay that it takes to come to our place you see, its all because of the "Sun God"-ish kind of stuff that is in my mind and also because I don't want the sunlight to get angry and kill me in the chilling winters, I dont know why would I even say so)

Haven't been doing much, rather anything, from the past couple of days. I want to lead this life as normally as possible but make a fool of myself trying to do so. I guess it would be easier and much more righteous (in some way at least) to be normal rather than trying to be normal.

I want- ok, I know I want too often, but still - to lead a life that is as light and floating as the weather right now...just right now.
I know my basic worries at the moment can only be attributed to two things and one person in particular...my guide. No, I don't blame him or something but that I am in some sort of a moral dilemma whenever I realize that I am not working hard enough for my Thesis or that I am not ready for the presentation.

A Beautiful life is all that I want- or rather I am expecting too much for Life and beautiful seem to be antonyms. Pessimistic, huh..?

Deja Vu

I keep on saying this to myself and seeing myself in the same situation again and again....deja-vu? Even if it is, I bring it to me. Life had challenges earlier..it still has but the drive to face them is vanishing in thin air. The meaning is faint....almost lost.

I still love soft songs, a cheesy slice of anything in the world. Well for that matter still love to crack jokes in all possible situations....mostly on myself. Does it cause a personality trap? Maybe now I believe it..I am trapped inside a virtual nonme me that tries to behave like myself but is far from what I am. Or maybe, I have become what I never was. Too confusing..ehh...for me too.

I have been trying to imitate myself better so that everyone around me finds me in my ver 1.0 but sooner or later they will realise it that its not me but one that lives to hide his 'alterego-me'...the real me...

Blogging for that matter is what I totally hated, for it never ever brought out the real you and is another imitation of what you want people to see you as. But slowly I have come to terms to realization of the fact that even if its about showing people what you want to...it is successful..well mostly. For I might even be judged by the content of this itself which itself might be hypothetical enough to make you get trapped in its intricacies and unclearness.

At present the self conscience is dead..or is having a fight at a very subdued level with my heart which has lost itself to the head.

Shaayad ab chalna bhi isliye chahta hoon,
ki ruke ruke ab thak jaata hoon...
Kadam abhi bhi dagmagate hain,
Par pyase ka kuaan nahin..kuen ki pyaas ban na chahta hoon..

Ibadat

Ab ek ibadat dhoondhta hoon ..
jeene ki chahat dhoondhta hoon ..
Yun to zinda hain, har gham ke liye..
Khushiyon ki aadat dhoondhta hoon ..

Ik aas si dil mein rehti hai..
Jo chhup chhup ke kuchh kehti hai..
Kabhi to itni door na thi..
jo manzil ab na dikhti hai..

Kya shabd hi itne gehre hain ki unmen sab kuchh main likh jaaoon..
Ya Mann ke dharatal pe apne, jo likha hai wo sab keh jaaoon..
Isi kashm-o-kash mein uljha sa..
Ab ek ibaadat dhoondhta hoon..