There is so much that I have to write, that I must write, just get out of me. But I don't know what is keeping me from it. As of now, its 4 A.M. I should be long asleep but I am not. And for some reason its music again that has taken over me right now. And lost in it I just wonder about all those who know me, if they know me at all. 

I shall have a regret though. They never understood me. They thought they did but they never did. I wish this was not the case.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But she was gone when autumn came

And still I dream she'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Nervous sigh..

It all seems like a mirage. I have no clue why. It was real till sometime back. But something stole it.

And then she found..

She looked for that one person to confide in,
She looked for that one person to lean on,
She looked for that one person to shout at,
She looked for that one person to be liked by,
She looked for that one person to love,
She looked for that one person to hate,
She looked for that one person who would understand,
She looked for that one person who would protect,
But she looked for that one person.

And then she found them.

Anonymous Speak..

"Inherent inability to accept the truth often results in situations that destroy the sanctity of the past. For as soon as the future misaligns itself from the past, a new untreaded path is visible. There are few who walk on it and achieve what they set out to but forgot that they always wanted to. And then there are others who are never talked about." - Anon.

Meet Me on the Other Side..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07N_v7Q1A1s

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still dont know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side

Maybe I oughta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
Well not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when its gone

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
The trick aint worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And loves a raven when it flies

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

Honey now if Im honest
I still dont know what love is..

A Life Wrap please..!

"Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled,

And now the floodgates cannot hold"

As a kid he was like most others, maybe better. 

Get up, go to school, be the ideal student - the good friend, come back, do the homework, rush off to play, come back, watch TV and sleep. And then he grew up. And he grew up to be this man sans ideals. He grew up to be a fake. He grew up to be someone even he didn't want to be. 

He missed his childhood. But they said he had a great life. And then he fell. And then he died.

His childhood misses him now.

Aisi Sazaa..

Aisi Sazaa Deti Hawaa
Tanhaai Bhi Tanha Nahi
Neendein Bhi Ab Sone Gayeen
Raaton Ko Bhi Parwaah Nahi

Aise Mein Baarish Ki Boondon Se 

Apni Saanson Ko Sehla Bhi Do
Badhti Hawaaon Ke Jhonko Se 

Dil Ko Naghma Koi La Bhi Do

Palkon Ki Koro Pe Baithi Nami Ko
Dheeme Se Pighla Bhi Do

Ye Zindagi Aisi Hi Thi
Tumne Kabhi Jaana Nahi

Jeevan Ki Raahon Mein Aana Ya Jaana
Bataake Nahi Hota Hai
Jaate Kahin Hain Magar Jaante Nahi
Ki Aana Wahin Hota Hai

Khone Ki Zid Mein Ye Kyun Bhoolte Ho
Ki Paana Bhi Hota Hai

Wo Pal Abhi
Waisa Hi Hai
Chhoda Tha Jo
Jaisa Wahin

Aisi Sazaa Deti Hawaa
Tanhaai Bhi Tanha Nahi
Neendein Bhi Ab Sone Gayeen
Raaton Ko Bhi Parwaah Nahi..

You're the first one

With a tired look and a heavy head..he gazed at the door from where she had left. There was no reason required - for when perceptions are mere expectations, reality is but the perception. He could not remember how long it had been. A minute or ten? An hour maybe? Few days...lifetime? The excruciating feeling in his chest made it clear that he could not have survived that long and he merely tried to guess.

They had met at the Visa office, the most uncommon of places anyone would meet anyone worth remembering. But they did. A two hour wait in the queue and then running around the place for a reappointment -because they both had been so involved in chatting around with each other that they missed their respective interviews - made it worth remembering. And they did.

Relationships are funny. Unexplainable and unbelievable connections are attributed to this one word. And so did they. While one drank coffee, even though she didn't like it a single bit; the other started appreciating the difference between a Mid-low rise and a Mid-very low-mid rise jeans. And all this in a way that other was not supposed to know. The talks ranged from roses to weather to politics to love to people to indifferences. 

It had been merely more than a couple of weeks but seemed like a couple of years. Not that they knew anything and everything about each other but it didn't matter. Whenever they talked, they knew the person they were talking to. And it felt like a recollection of everything in their own hearts and minds. 

She was very excited today. More than he had ever seen her. He couldn't help being happy for her for that's how it had always worked for him - not knowing what he was happy for but knowing that she was. "Thank You", he looked up and said to someone high up there who he recently started believing in. She said she wanted to talk to him about something and would tell him if he made her a nice coffee! 

It was only while making coffee in the kitchen, he felt that he was falling in love with her. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life making her happier than she ever was. "Then maybe this is it", he thought to himself. "I am leaving, have to run! Something for you on the table!!", she shouted and he heard her footsteps, leaving. His heart almost stopped. Had she been thinking the same thing? He almost thought about telling it to her but had not thought if he actually would. He felt scared. Nervous. Wanted to shout to stop her but could not gather his voice together.

He went out. There was a wedding invitation on the table. It also said in handwritten letters - "For the first invitee".

थम जा..

How many times have you wished that time could stop? And just so that the moment of pleasure, the moment of realization (or maybe even pain) is long enough to last a lifetime. Funny that we can find inspirations from books, movies, idols...funnier that sometimes it all comes from within. If everything really was within, unleashing it shouldn't have been so difficult. Momentary lapses I call them. Long enough for making some hours of your life worthwhile and short enough to still let the persistent undertone prevail.

Still what justifies writing a blog about just any other day? To think of what really could have been wrong/ right about this day I cannot fathom more than these basic facts. For one, today was a moonlit night...brilliantly moonlit night. Today was Holi...colourful as it was. Today was pretty much like any other day. Maybe.

In the pursuit of desires we lose touch with someone who deserved it the most, someone who longed for it the most - one's own self. And the craving is not often felt but when it is, it is overpowering. Philosophical, as few would label this. But the truth still remains- and I personally can vouch for it- if even a narcissist like myself can feel a disconnect to his own self then maybe there are others too. Or so is the hope. And it is this that makes you seek contentment around you. And disappointment is but the natural course. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAvgSB_9sfY&eurl

Lyrics to above video:
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

Fare you well

Attention seeking disorder of the fourth kind:

Something that, I just realized, is exhibited by writing blogs, updating status messages, talking to people about your problems, their problems and as funny as it sounds...by being nice in front of everyone and here comes the googly, by smiling...and smiling a lot at your bloody expense.

Life sucks. But something tells me, Death is gonna be no better.

Perception Management

There is something about managing your perception well that an MBA teaches most of us. Knew a couple of people at this place...more than a couple actually, who pretend to be something else and are something else. Of course, this won't make sense to an uninitiated reader (or for that matter, even an initiated one for I am not the credible types..) But this is a place that brings out the true colors of a lot of us.

Its good in a way that it really leads to a widening of your horizons, your perspectives. I am not pessimistic about people. Have been one of the most optimistic ones in believing them in the first instance. Ok...my blog, maybe I am taking the benefit of the fact and being blabbermouth about myself. But just in case, my faith got reaffirmed in all this by a couple of incidents that took place very recently. Only thing is that its hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Everyone is here with a purpose, with a stupid agenda and it does not matter to them what it takes to complete that.

Afterall, its not the means but the end.

P.S. In the race for all this, I quit. I quit to strive hard to manage what people think of me....they don't think any good..and they won't :) I wait for the next moment of humiliation at the hands of anyone and everyone who wants to have a grab at it. And I will try again to not get affected..and I quit before losing out...my faith, my dignity and...everything else.

Desire

And you never knew the beauty of desire..

For you were busy & too tired to admire..

But things did change, now they call me a liar..

I'm tired but got some help,

My objects of desire today set my pyre..

Procrastination in full swing

There is something about wsting time which only we - the privileged time wasters - know of. Probably, its just the feeling of being able to waste what is most precious at the moment - time. But it makes you feel so good...a little guilty...and nostalgic at times. I, for one, reminisced over the same song which I have done for like 8 years now. Yaadein yaad aati hain.....yup, God knows what I remembered today but something again touched the very core. Off late I am trying consciously to feel good...feel good about a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of activities as well. Maybe, I am tired of myself. Maybe, this is the sole reason I wanted to feel something new. Maybe, this again is a phase that shall but pass off.

I hope for a better tomorrow because this time I am tired and I don't want to crumble up into the feeling of nothingness again...

(Blogs are a wonderful way to let out those stupid feelings that you cannot talk about with anyone and then let the whole silly world read and ponder about it in their free time. In fact, I wonder if I write because I like to or because I know that someone might read it someday. I would still like to believe the former but I don't know if at a subconscious level I am aware of the latter as well.)

यूँ ही कभी कभी...

दर्द की इन आहों में इक चेहरा तलाशते हैं..
रेत की इन राहों में बस उसको तराशते हैं..

यूँ तो दर्द है इतना की ग़म-ऐ-जाम पिए जाते हैं..
बेशर्म सी ये ज़िन्दगी जो अब भी जिए जाते हैं..

कभी मुड के देखा तो कुछ राहगीर नज़र आते हैं..
जाने पहचाने से लगते हैं पर साफ़ मुकर जाते हैं..

आखरी है इल्तजा और आखरी ख्वाहिश यही..
अब अगर मिलना भी तो नज़रें कभी मिलाना नहीं..

The Breakup

The Breakup

Meg's story

"It was like being with a kid, handling him...with caution", she said. "He was so stuck up with his own thoughts...his own ideas...in his own world". Meg had never preferred to talk about her relationship but it seemed like today she wanted to let it all out. She seemed exhausted. It had been a now-on and now-off kind of relationship. They never proclaimed, not even to each other, that they were dating. But the world seemed to believe so....and maybe rightly so. And Shelly, her best friend, wouldn't believe that Meg and Nick were not together anymore.

"...But Meg, maybe that's why you two clicked...you were different...you both were so unlike but so very perfect together...complements but still the part of a whole". But even Shelly couldn't do much to change Meg's mind. Nick was gone and probably forever. It wasn't that Meg didn't cry. She did, she sure did. For that one hug from him, she still wished for it. She still wanted it. But maybe the feelings were gone. Her inside told her to forget him and Meg was practical enough to realize the facts. She knew that this was for the better. For she hated being bothered - about the smallest things in life. She hated being questioned. She liked her freedom. She liked Nick but only for what he should have been and not what he always was.

Shelly left. Unable to do much she left Meg by her door and offered any help that Meg would need. Meg didn't need it. She was strong. Or she liked to think so.

Her head spun today..felt heavy. She thought she needed coffee. The next door coffee shop was still open. Being a regular there she just occupied the usual corner. He used to be with her but today she was alone. The coffee shop guy looked at her but had some strange look tonight. She thought about Marc, the office guy who also liked her. She thought about her family..about friends. "Coffee..", said the waiter and put her coffee with a blueberry muffin next to it. She didn't remember ordering it and gave a puzzled look. "On the house!". She felt better....she liked blueberry muffins.

Nick's story

He felt shattered. He still sat there under the chestnut tree where they used to meet..and where they had met today probably for the last time. Was it night already, he wondered. The last time they had fought was a couple of weeks back. He knew it was a small issue..could have been avoided but eventually ended up in a fight. But the last time he knew they would both end up in each others arms...profusely wanting to be together, both sorry for the fight, not blaming - just being.

Nick knew he was weak..maybe not upto the standards of someone like Meg and felt privileged in being around her, being with her.

Today was different. The light of hope seemed to have faded away because Meg had refused to trust him for the first time in their relationship. And he knew he was not imagining things...Meg had told him herself.

He got up and started walking.

He cursed himself. His chest hurt and he didn't know why. Meg had accused him today of behaving like a child and being unable to cope with his attitude. Nick continued walking. He wanted her. He liked her. But maybe the priorities were different for both of them. Nick wanted Meg and knew now he was never going to get her. And Meg? What did she want? "Not me..", he thought.

He found himself outside a glass window for he was used to coming to this place everyday but now he didn't feel like going in. He spotted a familiar face..someone who until yesterday, he called his own. She was sitting at the same table they used to. His face was wet with tears and sweat. He looked at her and knew she was feeling lonely. He motioned to the coffee-shop owner from outside. With a puzzled look at first, the owner realized the lovers' misfortune very soon. Nick pointed towards the blueberry muffins.

He knew they were Meg's favorite...

दर्द और दवा

नहीं कहते कि दर्द हमारा है ज़माने से बढ़ कर,
ग़म बस इस बात का है कि दर्द भी तुम हो और दवा भी...

Wanderlust

नहीं फुर्सत यकीन मानो हमें कुछ और करने की,
तेरी बातें, तेरी यादें, बहुत मसरूफ रखती हैं...

Maybe 'twas Love...

The first tears,
and the first fight.
The early mornings,
and that late night.

The sweet nothings,
that were never said.
The love-hate letters
that were again re-read.

A wish from the heart,
which came to be true.
He wished for everything,
And he got you.

But a twist in tale,
and not all seemed right.
A heart broken,
another heart's plight.

It fell apart,
or so it was told.
We never knew,
what made them hold.

He still remembers,
She still cries.
His painful longing,
Her Misty eyes.

But regret they don't,
and tell us with a smile.
Even a moment together
made it all worthwhile.

For love is blind,
we all construe.

But maybe 'twas Love,
and maybe it was true.

A little less..or a little more?

I have been off late (in fact-for most of my existence probably) accused of being too philosophical. In plain simple words that translates to what I say/ imply/ mean is hypothetical/ non-existent/ non-real/ bull. Yeah, surprising? But I knew what you all meant when you guys were saying this to me! I ain't this stupid.

A yearning to be special- they say its in everyone and I am no different. Agree.
A feeling of communicating without speaking- they say its, well for the lack of a better word- cr*p, doesn't mean much. Agree.
A want, a need, a desire to be desired- they say its in basic human/animal instinct. Don't agree.

Why do things lose meaning if you are not unique in wishing for them?

You either end up wishing for a little more of happiness or....a little less of the pain.

Yet Again

फिर क्या हुआ ये राह की दुश्वारियों से पूछ,
बस इतना याद है तेरी जानिब चला था मैं..