Beauty - Pun intended

I dont know what, maybe the weather or maybe my guilt of oversleeping et. al. is prompting me to write this one. Well for the weather, I am actually enjoying it...and for the first time in the past couple of days, I seem to like the sunlight (although I have always liked it before the 8 minute delay that it takes to come to our place you see, its all because of the "Sun God"-ish kind of stuff that is in my mind and also because I don't want the sunlight to get angry and kill me in the chilling winters, I dont know why would I even say so)

Haven't been doing much, rather anything, from the past couple of days. I want to lead this life as normally as possible but make a fool of myself trying to do so. I guess it would be easier and much more righteous (in some way at least) to be normal rather than trying to be normal.

I want- ok, I know I want too often, but still - to lead a life that is as light and floating as the weather right now...just right now.
I know my basic worries at the moment can only be attributed to two things and one person in particular...my guide. No, I don't blame him or something but that I am in some sort of a moral dilemma whenever I realize that I am not working hard enough for my Thesis or that I am not ready for the presentation.

A Beautiful life is all that I want- or rather I am expecting too much for Life and beautiful seem to be antonyms. Pessimistic, huh..?

Deja Vu

I keep on saying this to myself and seeing myself in the same situation again and again....deja-vu? Even if it is, I bring it to me. Life had challenges earlier..it still has but the drive to face them is vanishing in thin air. The meaning is faint....almost lost.

I still love soft songs, a cheesy slice of anything in the world. Well for that matter still love to crack jokes in all possible situations....mostly on myself. Does it cause a personality trap? Maybe now I believe it..I am trapped inside a virtual nonme me that tries to behave like myself but is far from what I am. Or maybe, I have become what I never was. Too confusing..ehh...for me too.

I have been trying to imitate myself better so that everyone around me finds me in my ver 1.0 but sooner or later they will realise it that its not me but one that lives to hide his 'alterego-me'...the real me...

Blogging for that matter is what I totally hated, for it never ever brought out the real you and is another imitation of what you want people to see you as. But slowly I have come to terms to realization of the fact that even if its about showing people what you want to...it is successful..well mostly. For I might even be judged by the content of this itself which itself might be hypothetical enough to make you get trapped in its intricacies and unclearness.

At present the self conscience is dead..or is having a fight at a very subdued level with my heart which has lost itself to the head.

Shaayad ab chalna bhi isliye chahta hoon,
ki ruke ruke ab thak jaata hoon...
Kadam abhi bhi dagmagate hain,
Par pyase ka kuaan nahin..kuen ki pyaas ban na chahta hoon..