Perception Management

There is something about managing your perception well that an MBA teaches most of us. Knew a couple of people at this place...more than a couple actually, who pretend to be something else and are something else. Of course, this won't make sense to an uninitiated reader (or for that matter, even an initiated one for I am not the credible types..) But this is a place that brings out the true colors of a lot of us.

Its good in a way that it really leads to a widening of your horizons, your perspectives. I am not pessimistic about people. Have been one of the most optimistic ones in believing them in the first instance. Ok...my blog, maybe I am taking the benefit of the fact and being blabbermouth about myself. But just in case, my faith got reaffirmed in all this by a couple of incidents that took place very recently. Only thing is that its hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Everyone is here with a purpose, with a stupid agenda and it does not matter to them what it takes to complete that.

Afterall, its not the means but the end.

P.S. In the race for all this, I quit. I quit to strive hard to manage what people think of me....they don't think any good..and they won't :) I wait for the next moment of humiliation at the hands of anyone and everyone who wants to have a grab at it. And I will try again to not get affected..and I quit before losing out...my faith, my dignity and...everything else.

Desire

And you never knew the beauty of desire..

For you were busy & too tired to admire..

But things did change, now they call me a liar..

I'm tired but got some help,

My objects of desire today set my pyre..

Procrastination in full swing

There is something about wsting time which only we - the privileged time wasters - know of. Probably, its just the feeling of being able to waste what is most precious at the moment - time. But it makes you feel so good...a little guilty...and nostalgic at times. I, for one, reminisced over the same song which I have done for like 8 years now. Yaadein yaad aati hain.....yup, God knows what I remembered today but something again touched the very core. Off late I am trying consciously to feel good...feel good about a lot of things, a lot of people, a lot of activities as well. Maybe, I am tired of myself. Maybe, this is the sole reason I wanted to feel something new. Maybe, this again is a phase that shall but pass off.

I hope for a better tomorrow because this time I am tired and I don't want to crumble up into the feeling of nothingness again...

(Blogs are a wonderful way to let out those stupid feelings that you cannot talk about with anyone and then let the whole silly world read and ponder about it in their free time. In fact, I wonder if I write because I like to or because I know that someone might read it someday. I would still like to believe the former but I don't know if at a subconscious level I am aware of the latter as well.)

यूँ ही कभी कभी...

दर्द की इन आहों में इक चेहरा तलाशते हैं..
रेत की इन राहों में बस उसको तराशते हैं..

यूँ तो दर्द है इतना की ग़म-ऐ-जाम पिए जाते हैं..
बेशर्म सी ये ज़िन्दगी जो अब भी जिए जाते हैं..

कभी मुड के देखा तो कुछ राहगीर नज़र आते हैं..
जाने पहचाने से लगते हैं पर साफ़ मुकर जाते हैं..

आखरी है इल्तजा और आखरी ख्वाहिश यही..
अब अगर मिलना भी तो नज़रें कभी मिलाना नहीं..

The Breakup

The Breakup

Meg's story

"It was like being with a kid, handling him...with caution", she said. "He was so stuck up with his own thoughts...his own ideas...in his own world". Meg had never preferred to talk about her relationship but it seemed like today she wanted to let it all out. She seemed exhausted. It had been a now-on and now-off kind of relationship. They never proclaimed, not even to each other, that they were dating. But the world seemed to believe so....and maybe rightly so. And Shelly, her best friend, wouldn't believe that Meg and Nick were not together anymore.

"...But Meg, maybe that's why you two clicked...you were different...you both were so unlike but so very perfect together...complements but still the part of a whole". But even Shelly couldn't do much to change Meg's mind. Nick was gone and probably forever. It wasn't that Meg didn't cry. She did, she sure did. For that one hug from him, she still wished for it. She still wanted it. But maybe the feelings were gone. Her inside told her to forget him and Meg was practical enough to realize the facts. She knew that this was for the better. For she hated being bothered - about the smallest things in life. She hated being questioned. She liked her freedom. She liked Nick but only for what he should have been and not what he always was.

Shelly left. Unable to do much she left Meg by her door and offered any help that Meg would need. Meg didn't need it. She was strong. Or she liked to think so.

Her head spun today..felt heavy. She thought she needed coffee. The next door coffee shop was still open. Being a regular there she just occupied the usual corner. He used to be with her but today she was alone. The coffee shop guy looked at her but had some strange look tonight. She thought about Marc, the office guy who also liked her. She thought about her family..about friends. "Coffee..", said the waiter and put her coffee with a blueberry muffin next to it. She didn't remember ordering it and gave a puzzled look. "On the house!". She felt better....she liked blueberry muffins.

Nick's story

He felt shattered. He still sat there under the chestnut tree where they used to meet..and where they had met today probably for the last time. Was it night already, he wondered. The last time they had fought was a couple of weeks back. He knew it was a small issue..could have been avoided but eventually ended up in a fight. But the last time he knew they would both end up in each others arms...profusely wanting to be together, both sorry for the fight, not blaming - just being.

Nick knew he was weak..maybe not upto the standards of someone like Meg and felt privileged in being around her, being with her.

Today was different. The light of hope seemed to have faded away because Meg had refused to trust him for the first time in their relationship. And he knew he was not imagining things...Meg had told him herself.

He got up and started walking.

He cursed himself. His chest hurt and he didn't know why. Meg had accused him today of behaving like a child and being unable to cope with his attitude. Nick continued walking. He wanted her. He liked her. But maybe the priorities were different for both of them. Nick wanted Meg and knew now he was never going to get her. And Meg? What did she want? "Not me..", he thought.

He found himself outside a glass window for he was used to coming to this place everyday but now he didn't feel like going in. He spotted a familiar face..someone who until yesterday, he called his own. She was sitting at the same table they used to. His face was wet with tears and sweat. He looked at her and knew she was feeling lonely. He motioned to the coffee-shop owner from outside. With a puzzled look at first, the owner realized the lovers' misfortune very soon. Nick pointed towards the blueberry muffins.

He knew they were Meg's favorite...

दर्द और दवा

नहीं कहते कि दर्द हमारा है ज़माने से बढ़ कर,
ग़म बस इस बात का है कि दर्द भी तुम हो और दवा भी...

Wanderlust

नहीं फुर्सत यकीन मानो हमें कुछ और करने की,
तेरी बातें, तेरी यादें, बहुत मसरूफ रखती हैं...

Maybe 'twas Love...

The first tears,
and the first fight.
The early mornings,
and that late night.

The sweet nothings,
that were never said.
The love-hate letters
that were again re-read.

A wish from the heart,
which came to be true.
He wished for everything,
And he got you.

But a twist in tale,
and not all seemed right.
A heart broken,
another heart's plight.

It fell apart,
or so it was told.
We never knew,
what made them hold.

He still remembers,
She still cries.
His painful longing,
Her Misty eyes.

But regret they don't,
and tell us with a smile.
Even a moment together
made it all worthwhile.

For love is blind,
we all construe.

But maybe 'twas Love,
and maybe it was true.

A little less..or a little more?

I have been off late (in fact-for most of my existence probably) accused of being too philosophical. In plain simple words that translates to what I say/ imply/ mean is hypothetical/ non-existent/ non-real/ bull. Yeah, surprising? But I knew what you all meant when you guys were saying this to me! I ain't this stupid.

A yearning to be special- they say its in everyone and I am no different. Agree.
A feeling of communicating without speaking- they say its, well for the lack of a better word- cr*p, doesn't mean much. Agree.
A want, a need, a desire to be desired- they say its in basic human/animal instinct. Don't agree.

Why do things lose meaning if you are not unique in wishing for them?

You either end up wishing for a little more of happiness or....a little less of the pain.

Yet Again

फिर क्या हुआ ये राह की दुश्वारियों से पूछ,
बस इतना याद है तेरी जानिब चला था मैं..

पिछली रात में....

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

सब जग सोये हम जागें
तारों से करें बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

तकते तकते टूटी जाए आस
पिया ना आए रे तकते तकते
शाम सवेरे दर्द अनोखे उठे
जिया घबराए रे शाम सवेरे

रातों ने मेरी नींद लूट ली
दिन के चैन चुराए रे
दुखिया आखें ढूँढ रही हैं
कहीं प्यार की बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

पिछली रात में हम उठ उठ के
चुपके चुपके रोये रे पिछली रात में
सुख की नींद में मीत हमारे
देस पराये सोये रे सुख की नींद में

दिल की धड़कनें तुझे पुकारे
आजा बालम आई बहारें
बैठ के तन्हाई में करलें
सुख दुःख की दो बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

सब जग सोये हम जागें
तारों से करें बातें

चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें
चांदनी रातें , चांदनी रातें

Blank - for sometimes words fall short...

Virgin? Really?

Ok...Erased a full block of around 12 lines....and why? For it was about life and I was trying to take a shot at making fun of it. But somehow got the feel, its always life that wins in the end. I may end up writing a blog post or a funny one liner but its Life that will have the last laugh.

Had heard this earlier in life and just thought of it as yet another interesting funny one liner. But then I have felt it and the feeling goes so deep that it is beyond any cribbing. "Nobody dies a virgin. Life screws everyone".

Somehow I always wanted to see life in the form of "Liv Tyler" draped in white, descending from the skies, and taking me in her arms and telling me for one last time...yet again...that Life is worth living for the sheer pleasure of enjoying her beauty(?). For now its the responsibilities, the relationships, the many commitments that you have which makes us look at life from a conformist's viewpoint. And its not me. Its everyone, behind the masquerades that they have put on for different people..different environments, each of us has a wish for something better, something different. As much as everyone would disagree, I might never come to terms with their disagreement. I never will.

I am not a disbeliever, nor a pessimist. I love to look at life from a glass window that is crystal clear...unstained. But ain't it true that we all have our own "What If..." and "काश...". Any answers why?

Its probably in the run up to these what if's that we find our own pleasures....for maybe the seeking is really bigger than the attainment. Maybe it was never about getting what you wanted. Maybe it was always about the pursuit. And maybe....just maybe...we all find our places in the crowd. To each his own. A no name face is a face afterall.

उस रात की बात...

इस आखरी जश्न में
एक ज़िन्दगी और जी लेते हैं ..

शायद आखरी रात है ...
बस आज और पी लेते हैं ..

कुछ लम्हे रह जायेंगे
खुरदुरी सी यादों के ..

और टुकड़े बच जायेंगे
सपनों की बातों के ..

वो आस बस रहेगी ..
और दिल फिर कहेगा ..

वो बात कुछ और थी..
ये बात कुछ और है..

वो शाम कुछ और थी ..
ये शाम कुछ और है..

Sounds in Silence

The sounds get louder. And then you stop hearing your own voice.
You stop hearing your own thoughts.
They curse you. You curse them.
Selflessness perishes. Self interest prevails.
Perversion is visible now. In thoughts and in action.

Who was right? Who is wrong?
Doesn't matter.
Nobody bothers.

You die. They die. You wish they didn't.

Life's Unfair or is it just me?

Quiet
Jilted
It lay there
Wilted

Hope
And Pain
Salty Eyes
Thirsty Rain

Moist cheeks
Someone cried
Said and Forgotten
But the Rose just died


Crib. Yet Another Crib. For when expectation doesn't meet your desperation, this is the best refuge you can take. I do. I run for shelter at the first sight of trouble, or so has been the case lately. I remember a quote from Helen Keller- "Life is either a daring adventure....or nothing". Am I then living in a nothingness and cursing it? Who is to be blamed?

Till Death Do Us Part

Something I wrote in yet another class a couple of days back. Something that could have been written in two ways and for some reason ended up taking this shape. Most of those who read it have not liked a couple of facts about it. I still cannot understand why though.

This is something which I had in mind for a long time. Had to get out one way or the other. And I preferred it this way.

Ghalib

Humne maana ke taghafful na karoge lekin
Khaak ho jaayenge hum tumko khabar hone tak..

The Not So Sweet Nothings..

Nagme hain, shikwe hain..
Kisse hain, baatein hain

Baatein bhool jaati hain..
Yaadein yaad aati hain..

Yeh yaadein kisi dil-o-jaanam ke
Chale jaane ke baad aati hain..
Yaadein...

Bandhan ho to chhodein..
Darpan ho to todein..
Hum sab hain mushkil mein..
Yeh dil hai is dil mein..
Yaadein...

Duniya mein hum saare..
Yaadon ke hai maare..
Kuch kushiyaan, thode gham..
Yeh humse, inse hum..
Yaadein..Yaadein..

Strip-ping Again!

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime..

Randomness Again....

इस आईने में सब सियाह नज़र आते हैं
ये रंग है आईने का या लोग बदल जाते हैं...

इक अरसे से बैठे थे, किसी के इंतज़ार में 
हम यहीं रह गए, वो छू के निकल जाते हैं...

ये नकाबपोशों का शहर है, हर चेहरा छुपा जाते हैं
दर्द देते हैं गहरा, फिर दोस्त बन के आते हैं...

नाराजगी है ख़ुद से, क्यूँ ख्वाब में वो आते हैं
और क्यूँ उसी मुस्कराहट पे हम अब भी जिए जाते हैं... 

Something that started off on a movie outing night...in a Pizza Hut, and was completed the next day in an Eco Class..

Strip-ping

Ok, this is something new I have been trying my hands on. Yeah yeah, punny (funny?) name of the post. I seriously don't know why.

A Tryst with Destiny (?)

I met a lady the other day,
"Luck is my name", she did say..
Respectfully, I got out of the way
"Ladies first", I did pray.
Surprized and Smiling, she went away...

Another one from inside the classroom. I wonder if this is how they had planned to bring out creativity in the students. By the way, wrote this one in our Managerial Communication (ManComm) class. Pretty sure this is exactly how a mangerial communication should/will/must not proceed.

Random Perceptions about a Statistical Disadvantage

- An ode to a concept called Class Participation (CP)

"Oh Sir- is it because of the food chain?"

"-or is it really the monetary gain?"

Looking back in disdain,

I pray to God...not again!

Class Participation or so they say,

Is Bright sunshine, so make some hay

"WTF?", you express dismay..

This, my friends, is Em Bee Yay!

Left my job, Forgot "Friday"

Borrowed millions, just to pay.

And all for what?

-Bloody tape-recorders play!

Insanity-thou art CP..

Boggles me, makes me sleepy

Reiteration, Desperation and......Reiteration

And by the way- we are the "cream of our nation".

I must add here that I am thankful to the Professors here at IIMB, who instilled in me enough desire and woke up (pun definitely intended) the creative (?) side of me.

You see, MBA does weird stuff to you- this was written during a really "interesting" MO (Managing Organizations) lecture. Ohh and I must add, it was only the second lecture of that course....

I am desperate to keep my sanity (no pun intended) close to me but then is it my fault really? 

My Overkill?

Its tough to take this decision of resuming blogging....for I want to commit to this activity and then any laziness on my part to not write this blog will eventually make me feel guilty about it...so I will have to try to keep up (with me?)

Here goes with a very interesting song i have heard recently (Thanks to Scrubs for that)...I saw the original version of this song as well- it goes at a faster tempo though but sounds equally good. I have always felt the need for good lyrics in a song in order to like it...and this doesn't fall short at that end either. Below are the lyrics to the song aptly named "Overkill"

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

The video to the song: